Fantasy Football Horror Stories: I Started Pierre Garcon
I want to punch Pierre Garçon in the cedilla.
Facing an almost-must-win scenario, I was happy to put Garçon back in the lineup of my 2-3 fantasy team. After a brilliant Week 1, he sat out a couple of games and then had two pedestrian games. But I figured, third week, this has to be the breakout, right? Logical thought process, particularly with 3 other WRs either injured or on bye. It’s been frustrating to own him this season, but he will reward us eventually, right?
So….I was away this weekend. We had a family birthday to celebrate so we spent the weekend 6 hours away having a great time. The drive home, though, was scheduled for Sunday morning, and through the first set of NFL games. And because I’ve succumbed to peer pressure and I don’t text and drive, I didn’t check for last-minute fantasy news. Why would I? Garçon is clearly healthy, so what would the issue be?
Here’s the issue. If you play fantasy sports, listen up.
Do. Not. Ever. Fuck. With. Sunday.
Respect your Sunday tradition, whatever it is. If you make waffles for the kids, and then spend 2 hours in your study reading up on NFL news, make sure you got shit to make waffles on Saturday night. If you get the Sunday paper and peruse Rotoworld while watching “Meet the Press,” that’s your routine. If you let your co-owner handle the waiver wire and set the lineup, then you must do that.
Do. Not. Ever. Fuck. With. Sunday.
So Garçon sits, which I didn’t know about because my ass was sitting in the family car, driving from Tennessee to Indiana. (I wouldn’t normally agree to miss a Jets game on TV, but they were playing the Colts and I knew the game would be on the radio. I should have stuck to my gut. I fucked with Sunday and Garçon treated me like the new guy in cell block 6)
Here’s the math. Garçon of course puts up a zero in my starting lineup; Nate Washington remained on my bench, where he scores a pedestrian 8; I lose my game by 7 points.
Do. Not. Ever. Fuck. With. Sunday.
So now I’m 2-4, three games out of first place, to my girlfriend of all people. Guess how many points I’m behind the top scoring team? Yes, 8 points. Did I mention I’m 2-4? And it’s all Garçon’s fault.
And I want to punch him in the cedilla.
What’s a cedilla? No, it’s not a small bone in his foot that is causing him all this supposed discomfort. It’s not the brace he probably wears to protect a small bone in his foot that is causing him all this supposed discomfort. It’s not even the section of the brain that is stimulated to cause him all this supposed discomfort.
The cedilla is that stupid French c-like letter with that stupid little tail that tells French people to pronounce the c like an s. It’s all so very stupid. Or should I say çtupid?
In any case, Garçon’s cedilla is pissing me off this morning. And I hope he and his little c-tail, and his RG3 are on a bye next week so he doesn’t have the opportunity to ruin another fantasy week for me. He’s done enough damage. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go change Pierre Garçon’s Wikipedia entry to read: “French for pussy.”
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