Woody Johnson Should Leave the Jets Alone 

Hi, my name is Tom and I’m a New York Jets fan.

I say that for two reasons: 1. I’m new around here and wanted to introduce myself (my momma told me I should always do that) and B. Being a Jets fan is like being an alcoholic. Okay, it’s the gateway to actually being an alcoholic, but the point is we need the kind of love and support that AA dishes out. Can we get some of that AA crumb cake, too?

First my Jets backstory: I’m a huge Mets fan (not because I am a sports sadist) because my dad was a Mets fan when I was four, and we watched the games together. Sweet, right? So why am I a Jets fan? Well, I started watching football when I was 14 and my dad liked the Giants. So I picked the Jets. My dad, like most Giants fans, was dispassionate about it and really had only a passing interest. I don’t do dispassionate, so the Jets were perfect. And years later, having watched the Giants win three rings in my lifetime compared to nary a Super Bowl performance by my Jets, I wouldn’t change allegiances if you put a gun to my head. They are MY Jets. And they are never boring. They gave me this ulcer and I will continue my courageous battle forward!

My other admission: I hate Tim Tebow. Can’t stand him. I think he’s probably a great guy, but come on, you won the Heisman and still claim to be a virgin? If you are telling the truth (and keep in mind gay sex is still sex), you are a huge disappointment to every boy who wants to be you. You had to get plenty of tuna time opportunity, young man. You gots to hit it; Jesus will forgive you later!

I think he’s a terrible quarterback (at least when he throws). I do admit that he is a warrior, a football player’s player. But as a fullback, tight end, decoy, occasional runner, and a special teams staple. But as a quarterback, he will never, ever, in a million years, be as good as Mark Sanchez. And Sanchez is junk.

So Rich Cimini of ESPN New York breaks the “story” of Woody Johnson and Timmy Tebow. In case you missed it, here is my synopsis:

• Two people told Cimini that they thought Woody would push the coaches to play Tebow over Sanchez soon because the season is fading away.

Okay, I used to be a reporter and if I told my editors I had a story based on two unnamed sources sharing what they thought might happen without any actual knowledge or information from Mr. Johnson, they would ask me if I was running a fever. (I would always lie about feeling feverish because as a kid, if you tried to fake an illness, mom checked it out by taking your temperature – rectally. Yeah, that nips that whole “I’m not feeling well” nonsense in the bud in a New York minute.)

So I view it as a non-story. For now. (The Jets are, after all 2-2, and will likely rise up to win some unlikely games and give fans hope until breaking their hearts and ruining the holiday season for all of Gang Green Nation. This is the Jets; that’s how it works.)

But – it does give me a chance to beg and plead with Woody to leave Sanchez alone. He’s junk, but he’s our junk and he’s practically throwing to receivers from the lingerie football league. And for God’s sake, your Ground and Pound centerpiece is Shonn Greene. For the record, “Ground and Pound” is not a strategy but the sound of blitzing linebackers not being fooled or blocked or outmaneuvered when Shonn Greene is handed the ball. So we can agree, Sanchez is no Payton Manning, but you haven’t exactly surrounded him with offensive Christmas gifts.

Woody has plenty to focus on instead of Tebowmania, including:

• His smoking hot wife. She is the centerpiece of the NFL women’s clothing line. She dislodged Alyssa Milano as the hottie in NFL jerseys. Alyssa freakin’ Milano! In fact, Mr. Johnson was never nicknamed Woody until he met his wife. Why does he ever think about football??? Football’s what you think about when your wife is UGLY.

• He said getting Mitt Romney elected was more important than his own team’s performance. As if we weren’t clear that Woody had higher priorities than the Jets. But, correct me if I’m wrong, he is the only person in the United States who is actually enthusiastic about Mitt Romney. I mean, if that doesn’t tell you he has the same impaired judgment that Joe Namath does driving home from Jets games, nothing will.

• He’s Woody Johnson, as in Johnson & Johnson. (I have no idea who the other Johnson is but if I use that name again, my buddies will look at me like I just asked them to go to the ballet. And I can’t just revert to his first name either. It’s actually kind of awkward having a double-penised owner.) Shouldn’t he be focusing on building a better Q-tip, avoiding another Tylenol disaster or possibly renaming K-Y jelly so we may one day take it more seriously?

Mr. Johnson, pal, please listen to this Jets fan. Tim Tebow will not make this team better. Hell, they are only 2-2. Have you seen him throw? He’s like Kent Tekulve with that motion. He’s got skills, but they aren’t in throwing the ball. He takes so long to chuck the ball that cornerbacks schedule tattoo removals for when he goes into the shotgun formation. Yes, it’s that bad.

Leave ruining this franchise to Mike Tannenbaum and Rex Ryan – they are off to a hell of a start. If Tebow is your idea, you won’t be able to pin it on them. If you can’t pin it on them, you won’t be able to lure Jon Gruden to your team. Think, big guy, think.

If you start Tebow for three-quarters of the season…..you are waving the white flag…..practically mailing it in……and might get pole position for Matt Barkley. Woody — you are a genius!!!

On second thought, praise be to Brother Tim. Lead the Jets to the land of the salvation!!!

About the author: Thomas J. McFeeley

Thomas J. McFeeley is a former award-winning journalist and a current Jets fan. He is a Jets fan because his dad was a (typically dispassionate) Giants fan. He is a fantasy football junkie because he is a Jets fan and wanted to experience meaningful games in October.